A blank canvas
There is one painting I can’t get myself to finish. This is one I started about a five weeks ago. I hadn’t really painted all summer because I was too busy working. The week before coming back to University, my family basically fell apart and leaving at such an unstable time has taken a toll on my mental health. I felt powerless, lonely, and like I had no control over my own life. So, I bought paint, brushes, and a massive canvas to pour my feelings onto.
I, as usual, didn’t know what to paint. The canvas sat blank, the paints unopened, for days. I would sit and stare at it, begging my mind to be anything but blank. At 2am one night, I decided to just throw on some paint and see if that would bring me any ideas. The sky of this world started to form. I was suddenly painting clouds ready to storm, moments from bursting into rain and lightning, like I was. The next day, I painted the mountain. But after that my mind was empty again. It sat untouched for a week, then two. I tried to start a river but it just didn’t look right. So, for now, I’ve given up.
Unfinished, but not forgotten
And that’s okay! You don’t have to be doing well every day. You’re allowed to take a break, to be sad, to rest your mind. It’s a normal part of healing to have setbacks, which I still have trouble believing. That powerless and lonely version of me is still there, some days more than others, but I’m still waking up every day. You can’t always be happy. There will always be up days and down days. You’ve just got to take it on the chin and keep trying.
I’ve not given up on this painting, and I’ve not given up on myself. You don’t have to finish the painting. You can paint and repaint a canvas until you’re happy. Everything will be okay.
Supplies used (so far)
- A large canvas
- Acrylics
- Alizarin crimson
- Dark sienna
- Pthalo blue
- Midnight Blue
- Pthalo green
- Van Dyke Brown
- White
- Black
- Square and Round paintbrushes
- Pallet knife